


he said he'd climb my castle walls

by lunesdemiel



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Awkward Crush, Canon Compliant, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I Tried, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25344463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunesdemiel/pseuds/lunesdemiel
Summary: "There's something in the way he moves. [...] Every step, glance, and flourish is balanced and intentional. Hyunjin can be clumsy and silly, especially while he's screwing around with the members, but in this moment he is grace. With sweat running down his face, lips slightly parted to pant through the exertion, he is grace."in which Chan tries to navigate being leader and Team Dad™ while catching feelings for Hyunjin.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 13
Kudos: 160





	1. to love and ache

**Author's Note:**

> this piece is........... a little fluffy, a little horny, and a lot sadder than i'd originally planned.
> 
> i've been meaning to update my first fic for ages but i feel like i was way too ambitious planning it. so have a canon compliant pining one-shot? or maybe i'll make this story chaptered idk
> 
> cw: very brief and vague mentions of current sociopolitical issues
> 
> title is an slightly modified lyric from the song "Missing You" by Lo Nightly.

Who said boys can't be pretty?

It's a strange thought to have in the middle of dance practice, yeah, but Chan isn't exactly a stranger to unhelpful thoughts getting in the way of work. Just the other night he had to deal with it in the studio, and at 1 a.m. to boot—those goddamn synths refused to play nice.

Thing is, usually he can muscle his way through the problem, or ask someone for help if that doesn't work. Neither of those things are really an option in the present, what with Hyunjin looking sinfully good while greedily downing a bottle of water. The contrast has Chan figuratively floored. And also literally, but that's probably more attributable to the dancing.

Moments like these have Chan feeling more like a fan than an idol. You'd think he'd be used to seeing beautiful faces by now, and especially those of his own members, but every time a comeback rolls around somebody gets a new look that smacks him in the face. It's almost always Hyunjin. All of them are gorgeous, but Chan is continuously surprised by how _well_ Hyunjin has matured since they first met.

It's definitely the hair this time around. His roots are beginning to show and the bleaching process fried the strands but he still pulls it off because there's not much that face couldn't make work. Right now, Hyunjin is tying that hair up in a loose ponytail because it keeps falling in his face, and somehow this simple action is driving Chan up the wall.

There's something in the way he moves. It's a quality Chan has seen more in professional dancers and choreographers, people who live and breathe motion. Every step, glance, and flourish is balanced and intentional. Hyunjin can be clumsy and silly, especially while he's screwing around with the members, but in this moment he is grace. With sweat running down his face, lips slightly parted to pant through the exertion, he is grace.

"Chan-hyung!" He turns to see Felix scooching along the floor towards him, and almost reflexively smiles. He pats the floor beside him, which Felix moves to occupy.

"What's up, pixie?" Chan moves his arm over Felix's shoulder, and the younger leans into the touch.

"Whatcha looking at?"

Ah. He was being obvious.

"Just, you know, looking after the kids." He laughs awkwardly and glances at the floor. Felix looks up at Chan, lips forming a smirk.

"I get it," he says in English. "We're young guys, and being hot is part of our job."

 _I get it._ Chan's heart swells a little at how casually Felix mentions his bisexuality. Not even a year ago, he was crying at the thought of coming out to the members, and Chan couldn't be more proud of how far they've come since then.

As for Chan himself... Officially, he doesn't like to label it. He's getting there.

"Yeah, but why does he have to be so good at it? All the time?"

"He's not trying to do anything. You're just paying more attention."

Chan turns to respond, but Felix is already back to looking at the other members play fighting in the distance. He feels a little calmer, but they're about to continue practice, which means another hour and a half of breathy, sweaty Hyunjin being oblivious to his impact on Chan's focus.

It's gonna be a long day.

\---

All things considered, it's a normal evening in the dorm. Changbin and Jisung are hanging out in the kitchen, Seungmin's brushing his teeth, Minho's already knocked out, and if Chan really tries he can hear Felix playing video games in his room. Meanwhile, Jeongin is walking home from the company, and Hyunjin? Hyunjin is in Chan's bed, head lying on Chan's lap. Because it's "more comfy", apparently.

Over the past months, Hyunjin has gotten into the habit of doomscrolling, which unsurprisingly takes a bit of a toll on his mental health. He finished his schedule early, one thing led to another, and Chan came home to find Hyunjin curled up on the couch with his phone and a vaguely stressed expression on his face. Chan took his hand and wordlessly pulled him to his room, where he gently coaxed the phone out of Hyunjin's grip.

Silently, Chan is feeling a lot of things about this predicament. He thinks of it as part of his responsibility as Team Dad to be a safe space when his members need help, whether it's with writing lyrics or just making it through the day. Even if that means putting his own problems—like his burgeoning crush on the boy in his lap—on the back burner.

It doesn't help that Hyunjin keeps glancing up at Chan with his stupidly pretty eyes, which just so happen to twinkle with the light from the lamp across the room.

Hyunjin usually doesn't speak during these cuddle and comfort sessions, since he tends to get riled up talking about his feelings. Chan always lets him know that he's free to do so, and it's one of those rare nights that Hyunjin takes up the offer.

"Hyung?" His voice is small and weak. Chan coos internally, but it also puts him on edge—he has to be careful.

"Yeah Hyunjinnie?"

"How do you deal with it?" Hyunjin looks up at him. The amount of trust in his eyes terrifies Chan.

"Deal with what, angel?" Chan's hand finds itself running through Hyunjin's hair.

"All of it. The news. The hate. The pressure. How do you do it, hyung? I don't even deal with half of the stuff you do and I still feel shattered."

Chan sighs. "I do the best I can to help who I can, and then I try to put my phone down. If I spent all my free time agonizing over social media, I couldn't be here for you."

Chan gently pokes Hyunjin's nose. His frown turns upside down, if only for an instant.

"There's so many people who need help."

"And you can't get around to helping them if you feel too worn down to get out of bed. Please take care of yourself, baby. Your heart is too big to be broken."

As he speaks, Chan strokes Hyunjin's cheek. For the younger, all of this—the eye contact, the gentle touch, the terms of endearment—is too much to handle.

Hyunjin's eyes close. His hands ball into fists. He tries so hard to keep in the pressure in his chest, slow down his breathing, anything that will stop the flood.

Slowly, Chan laces their fingers together.

"You can let go, Jinnie."

And he does. Hyunjin's face crumples as he turns to sob into Chan's tee. Chan keeps a hand on Hyunjin's head while he cries, whispering sweet nothings all the while.

Chan isn't being a hundred percent honest: it does get to him sometimes. Being an idol can be incredibly stressful, but there are some days where he's glad it keeps him so busy. Better to be stuck on a poorly written variety show than ruminating on racists and the pandemic for half a day.

But he is getting better at coping, and he hopes he can help other people get through it all—whether it's Stays or the boy crying in his bed.

It takes some time for Hyunjin to calm down. His breathing starts to normalize and his heart rate goes down. He feels gross, and tired, and despite Chan's best efforts, ashamed to be here. He tries to sit up, haphazardly wiping the snot off his face.

The sudden movement surprises Chan, who was wholly ready to baby Hyunjin for the night. "Did I do something wrong, Hyunjinnie?"

"No! No, hyung, it's fine," he blurts out, turning to face Chan. "It's fine, I'm just... Sorry about your shirt."

Chan doesn't miss the blush colouring his already red cheeks.

"I have a lot, it's no big deal." He opens his arms to Hyunjin, who shuffles into the hug. "I know you can't help feeling embarrassed, but I really don't mind. You could ruin all my shirts and I'd still prefer that to you crying alone."

They stay like that for a moment, Hyunjin's head resting on Chan's shoulder as they embrace. Just as Chan starts to pull away, he hears Hyunjin murmur under his breath.

"Did you say something, baby?" Chan asks. They're sitting face to face now, and he takes in the sight before him. Tousled hair, a reddish nose, and tired eyes that are nervously meeting his own. Full of doubt. Yet, Chan catches himself holding his breath in much the same way he did watching Hyunjin dance earlier that day.

Hyunjin is looking at the floor now. "I said, um. I love you, hyung. And thank you."

Chan's brain short-circuits. His stomach does a flip, and he can feel his face getting redder by the second. Then in the next instant, he's telling himself that "he doesn't mean it like that" and to calm down and respond.

"Love you too, dear. Let's go to sleep, yeah?" He leans back into the messy sheets.

"I just need to wash my face. I can stay with you tonight?"

Chan gives the most earnest smile he can manage. "Any night."

Hyunjin leaves to get ready for bed. Chan watches as he goes, and waits a few seconds after the door closes to yell into the nearest pillow.

And if Hyunjin hears, he doesn't mention it.


	2. uncertainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjin is a little lost in his own head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shorter chapter because writing dialogue is hard. also i've been chipping away at this draft for a few weeks and i'm tired of staring at it.  
> hyunjin pov this time! i think i'm gonna alternate between him and chan based on where the story goes.

Hyunjin wakes from a dreamless sleep to find himself Chan's little spoon. It's a bit too warm for his liking, but based on the even inhale and exhale he's feeling on his nape, Chan is still asleep. He'll just have to deal with it.

Cuddling is not a new thing for them—they're both rather touchy, even among the members—but situations like this are few and far between in Hyunjin's memory. Because it's usually on his terms. It's Hyunjin that seeks out Chan and makes sure that the leader still has room on his plate for it, because he hates being a burden to others. ( _God_ , and Chan probably feels like he did something wrong, if that yelling when Hyunjin left is anything to go by.) If Chan hadn't literally pulled him off the couch, he would have eventually gotten off his phone, spent some time with a book or something, and then gone for a hug once he felt reasonably emotionally stable.

Last night was out of his control. It was Chan who took him to bed and Chan who let him cry it out and Chan who did everything humanly possible to ensure Hyunjin's comfort and well-being. Being in Chan's arms is normally a comfort, but right now it makes him feel vulnerable. It makes him feel loved. For a person who struggles to open up about his issues, those feelings are kind of terrifying.

Chan is also an unintentional expert at making Hyunjin feel small. He can't explain why he enjoys this—probably has something to do with being the tallest—but he melts into the feeling of the leader's arms wrapping around him. It absolutely helps that Chan's frame is more broad and bulky than his own. The extra muscle makes snuggles and hugs warmer in all the best ways.

Naturally, Hyunjin also loves cuddling with Changbin, but it's not quite the same. Chan has more big brother vibes.

Hyunjin feels some shuffling behind him. A quiet groan proceeds, and then Chan's arm is pulling him closer. Chan does a big exhale. The feeling tickles Hyunjin's neck.

"Good morning, baby," Chan murmurs, still deep with morning voice. Despite the fact that they aren't even facing each other, Hyunjin presses his face into the pillow to hide a growing blush.

"Morning, hyung." It unsurprisingly comes out muffled.

"Do you wanna have breakfast?" Most days that wouldn't be a question, but it's a weekend with nothing to do, which motivates Hyunjin to ask for five more minutes. Chan hums in agreement and throws his leg over the younger.

For what it's worth, Hyunjin finds this whole situation disgustingly domestic. It's a scene straight out of a rom-com: waking up in the arms of your lover, who asks for nothing but your company. The sun streams in through half-open blinds, birdsong can be heard from outside, and the space between the sheets is the only world that matters.

Except Chan isn't his lover, and as far as Hyunjin can tell, that will never be the case. The sinking feeling in his stomach just serves to amplify the confusion. Again, they've hugged and held hands and cuddled and shared a bed countless times, so why is he feeling this way now?

The rest of the five minutes pass in an instant, and soon enough, Hyunjin's at the dining table while Chan navigates the contents of the fridge.

"Do you want pancakes? There's some leftover batter."

"That's fine. Do you need help with anything?"

Chan looks over his shoulder with a sleepy smile. "Hyung will manage. It'll be ready in no time, I promise."

Going to find a clean pan, Chan completely misses Hyunjin burying his face in his hands.

  
\---

  
They're being driven back to the dorm from practice. The sun is setting and Hyunjin's Tuesday has been long, so he's content to pop his headphones in, stare out the window, and let his mind wander.

_The best dancers are also actors_. As a new trainee with next to no prior experience, Hyunjin didn't think much of this statement leaving an instructor's mouth. He was just trying to get the moves down.

Hyunjin has a flair for the dramatic. It's admittedly a little exaggerated for fans, but it holds true even in his private life. This is for a couple reasons: first, as he is now, Hyunjin has very little patience for pretense. Even if it makes him look a little silly or socially inept, being transparent about his thoughts and emotions just gets things done faster. Plus, it makes for good entertainment.

Second, as Seungmin once told him on a long and lonely night, Hyunjin feels very deeply. It's because of this that he likes being honest about his emotions—he can only hide them for so long before everything starts to blow up. Better for everyone that he just let things come and go.

(Minho's two cents are that it makes Hyunjin a natural performer... and that it also makes him prone to compromising on technique. He's gotten a lot better over the years, but there's always room to improve.)

Unfortunately, Hyunjin also has a habit of minimizing his problems to others. Sure, he's open, but there's still work to do in terms of actually asking for help when necessary. It would help to avoid situations like, for example, spending half of practice trying to figure out a move Minho later clarified to him in two minutes.

Or more pertinently, whatever the hell he's been feeling about Chan. In the interest of avoiding unnecessary stress, he plans on talking to Felix about it once they get home. They were already going to practice Hyunjin's English that night anyway.

Hyunjin leans his head on the shoulder beside him—Jisung's, to be specific. On any other day Jisung would make some irreverent joke or start some banter, but Hyunjin is clearly out of it. He opts to poke his cheek instead.

"Mmm." That's all the speaking that Hyunjin is willing to do. He's "in one of those moods", as Felix likes to say, and Jisung feels compelled to play nice.

"Do you wanna shower first?"

Hyunjin looks up at Jisung incredulously, then sets his head back down. "OK."

Jisung is unaware of the larger situation, and Hyunjin appreciates that he cares without having to know every detail. The two sit in silence for the rest of the car ride, hearts filled with equal parts worry and gratitude.


	3. got your hands in my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix steps in, trying not to bear unwilling witness to a slow burn romance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while haha. between moving out, online school, and trying not to lose my marbles, i left the draft for this chapter a third done for three months. but! i got a surge of writing inspiration after looking at the VR set of concept photos for TXT's Blue Hour, opened my writing app, and decided i needed to finish this. i owe the 13 people who bookmarked this gay disaster of a fic.  
> next chapter will probably be the last, because hyunchan deserves a happy ending and i wanna write that TXT fic. hopefully i get around finishing this before the year's over lmao  
> be COVID-safe, take care of yourself, and enjoy. :)  
> (chapter title is a lyric from "Yours" by SG Lewis)

"Say it with me— _complicated_."

" _Complicated_... Why is this so complicated?"

As much as it helps to live with four fluent speakers of English, Hyunjin still stumbles over his pronunciation. Granted, he also does so in Korean, but still.

Him and Felix are situated on the latter's bed, backs against the wall. They started out facing each other to practice conversation, but it quickly became apparent that the combination of speaking only in English _and_ making eye contact was a bit too much for a burnt out Hyunjin to handle. Sitting side by side also helps Felix, cuddlebug that he is, give some extra reassurance as necessary. This currently means having his arms around Hyunjin while his head sits on the elder's shoulder—it gives a good view of the vocabulary he's reviewing.

"Do you wanna take a break? Get some water?" Hyunjin doesn't look to meet Felix's gaze because he knows he's just gonna see those worried puppy dog eyes for the seventh time.

"I already had a break fifteen minutes ago." He keeps his eyes on the textbook, though his brain isn't really processing the words.

"I know, but we've been on this page for thirty. And you seem really—how do you say it—distracted."

They're in one of those situations where there's clearly something wrong, and they're both waiting for the other to say it out loud. Hyunjin knows that he was planning to bring it up anyway, but he didn't think things would get so awkward. It's basically telling one of your best friends that you're into their older brother.

Felix detaches from Hyunjin so they can face each other, then takes his hyung's hand off of the page and into his own. He gives a nod of affirmation just to make sure the elder gets the message.

Hyunjin sighs, putting the textbook to the side. "It's about Chan-hyung."

"Did something happen between you two?" Something shifts in Felix's expression. He's still trying to look as reassuring as possible, but there's an added sense of... concern?

It's no secret to Stay or to the members that Felix and Chan are attached at the hip. Bestest of buds. Basically soulmates. They're not in love, but they're definitely in _something_ , because you don't get that kind of understanding and fear in your eyes from hearing just anyone's name.

"Yes? No, I mean—nothing bad happened, I just. I feel like something's changed between us. This has been going on for a little while, but it's been really weird recently." Hyunjin pauses, considering how to continue. It's not that he has anything to hide—and Felix probably already knows something about the situation—but the anxiety has him tongue-tied.

"Wanna expand on that?" Hyunjin knows that Felix would take "no" for an answer. They'd put away the textbook, Felix would grab him a snack, and he'd fall asleep in the younger's arms. It's certainly tempting, but if he doesn't talk to someone about this he'll explode.

He looks up at the ceiling. "I got kinda really sad last weekend and hyung took me to bed because of course he did and the next day he made me breakfast and this is all super normal but I felt really flustered and small..? The whole time."

Hyunjin doesn't realize how fast he'd been rambling until he sees Felix visibly unpacking the flurry of words that was thrown at him. He flushes, both at his lack of consideration and the nature of his confession.

Slowly, then all at once, understanding dawns on Felix. Some cruel corner of Hyunjin's psyche almost wants to see pity, but he can't read the younger's smile as anything but genuine. Like he knows it's going to be okay. Hyunjin feels both reassured and scared at that.

"You have a crush on Chan-hyung?"

This is the conclusion he was expecting Felix to draw, but it's still weird hearing it out loud in someone else's voice, as opposed to whispered realizations at three in the morning.

"Fuck, I guess." Hyunjin lets his head fall back against the wall. He half-wishes it hurt more. It'd be a nice distraction.

Felix pouts at this, in the way that you do with a child who's gotten upset over something trivial—you wanna show that you care and that their feelings matter, but you know in back of your mind that the issue is pretty easy to resolve. It's basically how Felix feels about the situation, but Hyunjin doesn't notice this.

The younger sits up straight, clearing his throat. "Do you want advice, or did you just want to confide in someone? I'll keep this a secret, of course." His free hand comes up to the side of his face—a nervous habit.

"Advice?" Hyunjin says, looking down into his lap. The word shakes with hesitation. He honestly doesn't know what he wanted to get out of this conversation; he just knew he needed to have it.

"OK." Felix squeezes his hand, compelling Hyunjin to look at him. "Do you want to act on your feelings?"

Hyunjin is initially taken aback by the question—it seems kind of obvious that he does. Then he remembers that they're K-pop idols, and of all the risk that comes along with wanting to date a bandmate. The media would eat them alive.

But even so, he can't bring himself to say that he doesn't want this. "Yeah."

Felix can't help but smile at the conviction in Hyunjin's voice. "Thank God, I'm tired of Chan's agonizing over this."

Hyunjin stares at him, mouth agape. Felix resists the urge to roll his eyes. "What... do you mean?"

"If you catch my drift, you've been on his mind a lot. And he wants to make you happy. Talk to him, yeah? I promise things will work out."

Hyunjin manages a quiet chuckle. "If they don't?"

"I'll yell at him for wasting my time. And be there for you, obviously. Now, hugs." Felix opens his arms, and Hyunjin pushes himself off the wall and into the younger's embrace. It feels safe. He's still afraid, but he trusts in Felix's intuition.

Felix looks over Hyunjin's shoulder at the textbook and snorts. "Plus, I bet you'd get a lot better at English if you starting dating."

Hyunjin immediately pulls away and reaches for the text. "I will throw this at you."

"And I would welcome it!"

  
\---

  
Between practice, promotions, and trying to meet his basic physiological needs, it takes Hyunjin the better half of a week to find a good time for his... confession. He wants to gag just calling it that.

Chan is home before sundown. He's been making an effort to work on tracks from home since Minho loudly complained last month about the rigors of single parenthood, and the kids promptly added that they wanted their dad to be more present in their lives. Brats.

Hyunjin had already been in his room for a couple hours by the time Chan comes through the front door, saying a habitual "hello?" to an empty living room. He hears the leader taking off his coat and shoes, then a thump, and a curse word. Hyunjin imagines the scene and laughs under his breath.

He can do this. It's just him and Chan. And Seungmin, but last Hyunjin checked, he was taking a nap.

Hyunjin walks up to the door, shakes off the nerves, and pulls the handle.

"Oh, hey Jinnie. When did you get home?" Chan tilts his head at the younger and smiles, in that doting hyung kind of way. It makes Hyunjin want to scream.

"Around four." Chan seems to catch on to his hesitation, offering a smile to let the younger continue.

"Can we talk?"

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> about the whole "four fluent speakers of english" thing, because my brain insists that i clarify any claims i make in canon compliant stories: chan and felix speak english natively, seungmin looks to be fluent ESL, and i'm giving jisung the benefit of the doubt.


End file.
